Candor and Confidence.
I went on the worst date of my life yesterday. We met outside of a club, I was at a taco truck ordering my late night burrito with a friend. I had gotten off from work and just wanted to stuff the burrito in my face. Some handsome man walks by me and makes eye contact quite intensely. I was a little shocked, 4am, taco truck, wasn’t exactly my idea of smoldering meetups. He walks past me again, introduces himself and asks if he could take me out on a date. A bit taken aback and flattered, I agreed and gave him my number.
I respected his candor and confidence. So, the next day we make a date for the weekend.
My first hint as to the outcome of the date was in his texts following up to the date we made. After we choose a place he had laughed and said he put me in his phone as, “super hot taco truck”....um gross. Second, he certainly was a bit forward. He called me love as he had asked me about how I will be arriving to the designated bar. I decided, “hey, it’s text message. So much is lost, I will give it a chance in-person despite these minor oddities.”
We meet at a small, semi-nice, bar, not a cocktail bar, but certainly not a dive bar. We greet each other at the bar and go in for the hug, yet, I swear he was aiming for a mouth kiss. I subtly avoided it, but I couldn’t help to think “what was he thinking?”. As he hugged me his hand slid down to the top of my ass. Immediately I thought to myself, “what the fuck have I gotten myself into and who the hell does he think he is...I mean he is attractive, but you don’t got it like that ‘love’.”
I realize I will have to be very upfront with my boundaries this evening. So I comment on that, “oh, an ass-grab I see.” He plays it off like he didn’t mean it. He sits next to me and almost immediately has one hand on my back rubbing it and one squeezed on my knee. Again, quite bold, but I let it go, to see if it is a friendly ‘how are you’ or more of a creepy lingering, presumptuous touch….it was the latter. So again, I share with him my boundaries, “Listen, for someone who I have just met, at a taco truck a few days ago no less...you’re touching me an awful lot.” He lingers there moments more, but decided he will be respectful and remove his hand. I can see his habits of going to touch me, but he does manage to restrain himself.
We continue on with the date. He is a smart, attractive, successful older man. Generally just my type. I figure, this may not be so bad, he might just be quite excited and very affectionate. I mean after all, half his family is Greek and he grew up going to Europe constantly, perhaps its cultural I thought (mind you, I am quite familiar with my European lovers). But as time went on I realized it was far from cultural, it was just him.
Some time goes by and he decides to go in for a kiss. I again thought it premature, but I ended up enjoying my time with him, so I figured let's see how his lips work. His hand goes onto my knee, beneath my dress. It is a longer dress that goes a little beyond my knee, so he really had to sneak his way in without being too obvious...I must admit part of me was like, oh, okay, points for being ‘smooth.’ But then he starts to move his hand further up, I wonder, how far is he planning on going? I mean a knee touch is appropriate, but there is a point where it becomes real awkward.I have been quite upfront with my boundaries, the fact that I am sex-positive, and how I tend to teach consent to many. But he slides it up far and quick. To the point where I put my hand in my lap to prevent him from making contact. (I admit that morning I decided to not wear underwear, and forgot about that small detail... who needs panties anyway?). I tell him that he needs to remove his hand from beneath y skirt because he is getting very close to my pussy, and that is not acceptable. He again, plays it off like he had no idea and removes it. At that point it was quite annoying. He decides to try one more time, after enough time had passed. He was very good at ‘acknowledging’ my boundaries and spacing out his violations so that it wouldn't be so obvious...he certainly is not new to this behavior. For a second time, he kisses me and his hand goes right back into position. I tell him, sternly, “remove your hand. You know my perspective on consent, why are you placing your hand where I told you not too?” He removes it again, he says something witty to make light of the situation. We have only ordered one drink, so I am finishing up that one and not getting another. I do enjoy some of the discussion we had, but his actions continued to be out of line. After our drink and some snacks, we leave. I am off to a friends for their birthday. It is pouring out so he offers me a ride. I accept, after all, it’s pouring and I might as well get a ride out of this annoyance. He brings me to my friends and leans in for a goodnight kiss. This time he shoves his tongue down my throat and hand assumes the up-skirt position quickly. I pull away and say, “we discussed this, and if you attempt this again, I will kick you in the fucking face,” He laughs as if it was cute and feisty of me. I say goodnight and I leave.
Dates like these are confusing. In one aspect, sure, I accepted his kiss, I enjoyed part of it, he spaced out his strange violations and was quite subtle about it. It made me question did I open myself up for this? Was I not clear enough in my verbal communication? The answer is NO. He was the one who was blind to reading my energy and deaf to my clear and verbal requests.
The next day he texts me, I thought it only appropriate to share with him that I am not interested. This triggers a whole slew of pleas from him to give another chance, to let him make it up... he wants to be close to me. I politely decline. Then it turns into him wanting to pay me (sorry boy, I am expensive….and that's just for dinner), to him wanting to pimp me out, to me being a manipulative, selfish, dishonest, person that plays with people. He was convinced it was mutual, just because I accepted a goodnight kiss. I reminded him of my thinly veiled threat to kick his face. He only grew more irritated. I let it go and received a few more messages throughout the next 2 days. Beginning with an “I adore you, please give me a chance” to “You think you’re so perfect, fuck that” to “I need company.” After his messages were met with no reply, he got the message ad ceased his harassment.
This is unacceptable behavior. It always will be. I am lucky enough to have been strong enough in expressing my boundaries, keeping up with that conviction and refusing to let him manipulate me into think it was mutual and it was all my fault.
These are abusive tendencies and frankly, immensely pathetic.
Gentlemen… This is not a good look, take rejection with grace, be grateful to have it told to your face and not be ghosted, and acknowledge how much it takes to state clearly ones boundaries.
Also, never grab someones ass or attempt a pussy stroke on the first date and without consent.
In all honesty, I would have respected him more if he attempted to pick me up and fuck me at the taco truck. But to make a formal date to just go straight for the ass and puss… not a very intelligent move. Stay vigilant ladies. And gentlemen… LISTEN.