My shadow sill strong, my desire and fantasies continue my incineration. This has not changed. But my medium is in evolution. How can I pull out the depths of my longings, how can I stand in a position of great power and love, while nurturing my quiet spaces? How can I be in all my seductive, luxurious, perversion and still get to where I want to be, still be adored, still get paid, and have even greater success. This is the question I ask myself. I want to tear open my dissonance for all to see. I want to share with others my repulsiveness, my intimidation, my ineffability. I want to be it all, but I do not want it to be this way...not forever. I am searching for what belongs to me. I am finding these little spaces, the in-betweenness where I can more than exist. I am investigating the ways to…. The ways to my goal, ways to my love, ways to my liberation, and ways to express all that is silent.
I cannot flourish in this space, nor can I make it in the world of ‘should’s’ and ‘do-right’s’. I just don’t want to. So where do I fit in this cycle? What role is just for me? How can I thrive from me alone. I have yet to find it, but it feels closer than ever. It feels like it’s in formation, just for me, just for my eyes.