Club Bloomberg

Dear Diary,

I woke up in the middle of the night because I had a thought...not really a dream more like a pressing weight that I couldn’t shake off. It was terrifying. I think, I almost woke up screaming.

It’s like we can try as hard as we want but we’re slaves to our emotions and instincts. We’re slaves to our experiences and there’s nothing we can do about it. It’s like we don’t have free will. As children we do, sure, but then things happen and keep happening and eventually you’re just a vessel of emotions that’s been trained to react.

God, maybe I shouldn’t have taken an Adderall yesterday.

Anyway, all this is to say that maybe I’m not over Jeremy. I’m not over him even though he’s happy and in LA and living his best life without me. Maybe that’s the reason I’m freaking out on Ryan...or maybe my feelings are valid and I need to start listening to them.

 Maybe I should stop this whole race, quell my desire to get into club Bloomberg, delete all the numbers in my phone, and get back to what really matters. But I’m confused...I’m not even sure what that is. Okay, enough of my late-night thoughts. I’m sure if I take a melatonin I can go to bed.

Pray for me. 

XOXO

Circle of CEOs

Dear Diary,

So Ryan was texting me again—but who cares? I am so over that. Let’s move on to something that matters.

This guy I met at Rosewood actually knows my boss’s boss, the CEO of the company! It’s crazy how New York City is so big and happens to be so small at the same time. I guess it makes sense that people who run in the same circles know each other (duh), and there’s only so many places a CEO can hang out—unbothered (also duh). Surprise, surprise, the CEO’s friend wants to be my sugar daddy.

I literally told him to get in line.

Like, you can’t make this stuff up. Here I am, upset over some idiot who thinks he can treat me however he wants, and I have (another!) guy begging to be my SD. Well, to be fair he’s not begging. He just wants to have dinner to discuss an arrangement

Pouah, my phone keeps going off...it’s Ryan again. Anyway, I figure it can’t hurt to meet him for dinner to see what he’s offering. Maybe he can get me a raise?

-XOXO

Dear Young Woman: A Get What You Want in Life & Finance Plan

Dear young woman,

If you’re healthy and in your 20’s - consider yourself blessed. You have the most valuable resource of all - “time”.

Like most, I took my youth for granted. I wasted much of my time as a young adult and didn’t plan ahead more than a couple weeks at a time. I rarely had money to travel or to treat myself to a big purchase. And when rent was due each month, I’d scramble to put it together. There are a few little things that I wish I had done during my 20’s that would have made a massive impact on my 30s and so on. Primarily investing my money vs. spending it on things I can’t even recall now, and working towards my career/life goals vs. going with the flow - i.e. saying “yes” to everything my parents or friends wanted me to do.

Here are my tips on how to set yourself up for success. You could call it a general.... “Get What You Want in Life & Finance” Plan:

1. Eliminate all expenses, people and distractions that aren't bringing you closer to your dreams or real happiness. They have no room in your life and you can’t afford to spend your very limited resources on them. At least for right now.

2. Pay off all your debt. This means credit cards, school loans, personal loans, and anything or anyone else you owe money to. Start by paying off the debt you’re paying the highest interest on. The sooner you can get your debt to zero the sooner you can start saving and investing.

3. Start an emergency fund. Save enough money that can cover 3-4 months of expenses. Only use this money in case of an emergency. Emergencies such as you lose your job or become unable to work, medical bills or your car breaks down.

4. Create four "shoe boxes" or something to this affect for your income. Each “shoe box” represents a budget for each one of these living essentials - 1) bills, 2) travel/entertainment/clothes, 3) transportation/food and 4) savings. For every dollar you bring home, be sure to put 10% into your savings and the 90% divide up accordingly to the remainder of your shoe boxes. This is a simple way to budget your money. Rule of thumb - put more money into #4 savings than you do #2 travel/entertainment/etc.

5. Invest 10% of your income for retirement. More if you can. Smart investments would be a retirement index fund or a no load, low cost mutual fund such as Vanguard 500 and Vanguard Small Cap Fund. The stock market is also a safe place to invest money long term. This is money you will not touch for 20+ years...when you're ready to retire.

6. When it comes to reaching your long term goals - make a plan with the end in mind. Start with where you want to be, then work backwards. Write down each step you will take to get there. This will be your roadmap.

7. Take each step. Little by little - make sure they are not that big. When you accomplish each small step, your confidence...and happiness will grow. If you're struggling with a step - ask for help from someone who has experience with it. Don't be afraid to ask for a hand, but don't expect it to be given to you. You still need to show up and put in the work.

Be patient with yourself. Forgive yourself. And get excited! The glass is half full and you have plenty of time to make mistakes, learn and grow. When you see a problem as an opportunity, failure as growth, pain as progress, set backs as lessons, etc ... there really is nothing in your way. It's just a matter of perspective...so change how you think to get what you want.

I think the above is a good starting point in maximizing your youth. Happy to share more with you - if you find any of this helpful or if you have questions please leave in the comments below.

Sincerely,

Die Happy Tonight’s Founder & CEO

p.s. This email is a part of series of emails I’ll be sending to all of our models in hopes that this 38 year old man can shed some light on topics of self-growth, self love and excelling in this cloudy world we all work in. If you disagree with anything I share or would like to offer some of your own advice, please write back. I'd love to hear your perspective and will consider including it in future models emails. Let's rise together!

Back to the drawing board

Dear Diary,

Fuck Ryan.

It’s only been five days and he already has my mind fucked up. Literally, fuck him and his entire family. Okay—maybe I’m being a bit unreasonable but I’m tired of second guessing myself and feeling like I’m crazy. Allow me to explain. 

So, we go on our first date and it’s cute or whatever. He does Kanye’s production and I have no idea what that means...he said he doesn’t make the beats and I said—but isn’t that what a music producer does? He was super vague and I hate feeling like a naïve little girl. Just be upfront and say what you mean...he’s probably in marketing and just doesn’t want to say it because he thinks saying he’s in “production” sounds cooler. OR—maybe I’m just an idiot.

Regardless, he was obsessed with me for four days. Maybe five minutes after our date he was telling me how much fun he had and how he can’t wait to see me again. This whole week he’s been texting me non-stop. So tell me why he decides to cancel our date today. Last minute with no explanation.

Literally, fuck him. I’m so over it.

--FML 😩

Tired of heartbreak

Dear Diary,

I started dating someone new. We met on Raya...it’s so funny how it used to be weird to use the internet to meet people. Now, I can’t imagine a world without Tinder. It’s also crazy because we used to live next to each other—I was a few houses down the street from him, and never knew.

Anyway, I met him on accident. I was promoting a party and playing on my phone when I matched with him. After another promoter yelled at me “Get off your phone, we’re not paying you to play blah blah blah”, he walked in. My first thought was, where have I seen him before? Turns out possibly in real life and definitely in cyberspace (why doesn’t anyone use that word anymore?)

Look, I’m not sure if I like him and I’m sick of getting my heart broken. But his name is Ryan and he seems nice. I guess it won’t hurt to give him a try. 

-XO

Love begins with You.

It’s the most powerful love I’ve ever experienced. I feel enthralled each moment I am with her. I am enamored by her intelligence. She somehow knows exactly what I need at the exact right moment. Sometimes she ignores it, sometimes she chooses not to see the signs, but I know this is out of fear and not lack of care. But when we are aligned, it’s magnetic, it’s a serene sense of knowing unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. She tells me all the right things and forces me to be still and to breathe when I forget to or when I am over thinking. She allows me to just be me, no judgment, no criticism. Yet she forces me to grow, encourages me to be the best version of myself. She helps me shed the layers. The layers beneath which I’ve hidden my heart, my soul, the love I have to give. Which now I know is infinite. There is no one else like her and no one else id rather be. Love begins with you, love begins with me. I am my greatest advocate, my most sincere lover, my best friend. I am everything I could have asked for and nothing I expected. 

What is it to have strength?

To truly be a power in this world... what is required? What does it mean to have strength? As a women in this city at this time… How to I prove myself, how do I gain acceptance and approval? What is it to have strength? 

Perhaps to have strength it is to not need to prove oneself. Maybe strength is not giving a fuck about approval, about the acceptance of others. Of course, there is a certain evolutionary need to being accepted. Acceptance equals our survival. But beyond our basic survival and our cooperation in the day to day. Perhaps true strength is giving up the incessant need to fit in. Because true thriving survival and fertility comes with the differences we have. Our diversity is strength, our diversity is power. We no longer need to fit into this neat, trimmed, appropriate tradition of who we ought to be. Maybe who we ought to be is exactly who we are. Just being, in the present. Creatures of pure existence. Maybe wounded, but nonetheless pure, beautiful, and powerful. I don’t want to be the perfect picture of strength, because my power lies within the idiosyncratic intricacies I present within this world. 

Boobies @ Rosewood

Location: Rosewood Theater. 552 West 38th St., New York, New York.

Photographer: Kristina

Whores, Woes, and Wanting.

Men tend to be so sensitive when it comes to bodily autonomy of women. To even fathom that we can do what we want with our own body, you can begin to see the wires frying in their head. It’s unfortunate but, I found quite true. I met up with an ex of mine. Our relationship was loving, close, and we truly projected ourselves together in the future. However, like so many people in love, their fears began to creep in and self-sabotage began. And since he lived in a different part of the world, a part of the world I was a few months out from moving to, it was difficult to reconcile, process, and heal… we broke up. It has been a long time since I had last seen him and we happened to be in the same city at the same time. So we connected, we processed what we had no time or opportunity to process and we made love. It was healing to tell you the truth. I melted into his love, his heart, his kindness, and our former dreams of what could have been. Yet, there was a day in which we discussed my career, my job, my path. And it was not what i would have hoped for. Of course he accepted me using my body as entertainment and a way to financially support myself, but he did not like it, never did. And as far as all my other jobs and ventures, it all has to do with sex, intimacy, love, porn, desire, lust, all of it. And I LOVE what I do. He had a point, but it hurt. He said, “it takes courage to stand up against the stigma and fight for what you believe in, and when you have a partner you are also asking them to fight that same battle.” 

I understood what he meant, but I was upset, even angry. Why do so many people fear the truth, fear the power that comes with a woman that stands up for her truth. And will there ever be someone willing to fight alongside of me? 

This is beside the point, but I know that I only want strong individuals in my life. I want people who not only see the value of what I do and accept the freedom I have when it comes to dancing, I want someone who could not give a shit about what anyone else says. I want someone who can easily look past the small minded few (or many) who disapprove, I want someone evolved, to evolve with, someone who is unfazed by societies toxic requests and can stand with me, rise to my level, and love me as I am. I know those people are out there. I know I will meet a love of my life to share my passion and experiences, who is proud of what I do and who I am and says FUCK EVERYONE ELSE. Honesty and truth will always prevail and the small minds of those who doubt will wither away with time, wilting with the changes and growth of life and social evolution.

Dear Young Woman: Wake up!

Dear young woman,

Wake up. Stop living in a fantasy world. Stop feeling entitled. Stop feeling like a victim. Stop pretending like you’re independent when your parents or lover are paying your bills. Stop faking the life you live just to impress people who don’t care about you. That after “this” (college, work, living at home, whatever “this” is) is over that you’ll suddenly have all the solutions. No one cares that you had a bad day, decided to buy a new pair of shoes instead of paying your rent, that you only made $220 working all night or that you don’t feel well because you’re not taking care of yourself. And yes, there are a lot of crappy men out there…and you’re going to come across a lot of them if you keep looking in the same places.

Note: I wrote this post because I feel some of you (not all) may benefit from my bluntness and point of view. I’m not always right and it’s perfectly fine if you don’t agree with me…in fact, challenging what others think is what Die Happy Tonight is all about. My intention is to simply light a spark for one of you. I hope I may continue with this piece. If you’ve made it this far, I’ll take that as a “yes”...

You’re becoming an adult and I’d like to share some truths on what you can expect during your 20’s and how to make the most of these amazing, important years. Yes, by all means go out and live it up! Make mistakes, in fact make a lot of them - you don’t have much to lose. Explore yourself, others and the world - now is the very best time for this. I’d also like you to consider adding these two items to your routine.

1. Be thankful.
2. Be prepared.

Be thankful. Life is a precious, delicate thing. If you have your health and live in this City, you’re already the 1% of the population. Stop counting what you don’t have and start counting what you do have. You’ll see that you’re truly blessed. Feel like you’re missing something? Go out and get it. No one is going to just give it to you. Put in the work. Make the sacrifices. Take the leap of faith. For God’s sake - Die Happy Tonight started in my apartment seven years ago.

Be prepared. This is the most important one. You are the creator of your life. The sooner you begin being responsible for yourself the more of yourself and this world you will understand, value and own. Owning your life is true freedom. It means stepping outside of your comfort zone. Becoming independent of everyone and anyone. Having your own place, your own car (and drivers license) and own source of income to pay for all of it. It means taking care of your loved ones vs. them taking care of you. It means not just saving your money but also investing your money! It means stop being short sited and start planning long term so you can set yourself up for the life you want to live…. which is many, many more years. It means becoming an adult. Whoa.

Life is hard.

It’s really fucking hard when you’re living on your own accord.

It’s not what you see in the movies or on Instagram.

So I beg you, please come back down to Earth my love. I want to see you soar like the beautiful bird that you are…just remember that even the boldest of birds spend time on the ground.

Sincerely,

Die Happy Tonight’s Founder & CEO

p.s. This is a part of series of posts dedicated to our models in hopes that this 38 year old man can shed some light on topics of self-growth, self love and thriving in this cloudy world we work in. I'm going to be super real, direct and vulnerable with you. I'm going to share advice that I take myself. Much of it from people way smarter than myself. If you disagree with anything I share, please do not hold back as I value others perspectives tremendously. I will consider what you share when writing future posts. Thank you for reading.

Thought of the Day.

A true love is someone who will rise up with you, to meet you, to grow with you. If they aren’t willing to evolve with you, then they are not worthy of your love.

This is the constant reminder I need to share with myself, with my ladies, with the people in my life that I know are worth more than what they receive.

Grow with us or stay behind.

A Ghost of Relationships Past.

Well, here we are. I am about to see my ex soon and I do not know how to feel about this. I am excited to see him because, well, we loved each other. It is hard not to find joy and curiosity and love, yet again, with someone you’ve had such a deep connection with. It’s hard to resist that tenderness in your heart, especially when it wasn’t a toxic relationship. So here I am, nervous, excited, on the verge of tears. So many things going through my body. And I welcome it. I welcome the anxiety and the joy and I know that it won’t be easy, it certainly won’t be simple. But that is love.

Heating Things Up!

Ok, wow. So do I have a treat!!! I went out with the man that I may, perhaps, sort of, by accident, like. And among drinks I discovered he is not only an entrepreneur of many things (which is how we met)….he is a fireman?! Oh boy am I in for a treat. I think this is everyone’s fantasy coming to life. All I need to know now is that he strips on the side in his helmet and boots… please god, let him be a stripper! I think then could I finally find someone to accept my work fully and be totally compatible with. So here is to heating things up, baby!

Fucking Travel.

I love fucking traveling, and fucking while traveling. I think I get more action while I am away than I do in my hometown. Something about the inhibition, I can fall in love with someone for just one night and not ever have the chance of being let down, disappointed, or taken advantage of. In this realm I have all the power. And I love it. I choose who, when, how, and I leave. Onto my next destination and the next person who is awaiting my seduction. There is something so precious about adventure and sex. Each one I collect like a postcard I sent to myself from places far away. It is a gift of mine and a true joy in my life. Sometimes when I am horny and lusting for something more, I do not go on dating apps, I do not waste my time with fickle, busy, and pompous New Yorkers surrounding me. I book a ticket and take a vacation. At least then I will know I will be romanced, stimulated and appreciated. No need to have that awkward talk on how they “don’t want you to get the wrong idea.” Every time I hear that I am turned off. Not because I want a relationship, but because, fuck off, youre not that great and can’t you just fuck me with all your heart and leave it at that? Oh, you can’t ok, then I don’t have time for you or your dick. Thank you, NEXT! 

Now what country should I visit now?

Accidental Crush.

Ok, so I know I said I don’t have time for men who don’t pay me. And I have been on a pretty good streak a part from my love affairs abroad (which, let’s be honest has been quite frequent). But...I hate to admit, I have met someone. Well, by met someone I mean I have gone a couple dates and have been chatting frequently. I am hesitant because the emotional energy necessary to dive into someone that I may, potentially, perhaps, by accident, I don’t know… LIKE… it takes a lot. And now being the New Yorker I am, on track, achieving my goals, planning for the long-term, I cannot afford to have anyone take that away, I can’t afford to be swayed off my course. But It happened. He approached me at this conference, shy, sweet, hesitant, and really trying to be that ‘nonchalant, cool, I don’t really care, but hey here is my card’ type of vibe. It was more endearing than annoying fuckboi. So I accepted and contacted. We went out on a date and it was lovely, he is an absolute gentlemen and so sexy! I honestly have not been with someone this chivalrous in a while. He walks street side, opens up the door for me every time, and gets out of his car to greet me and to say goodbye. Perhaps it’s this old school way of treating a lady that has my knees weak, but we shall see soon enough. For now, I will take the loveliness for what it is and be patient in the meantime, non-expectant, and no assumptions. He is who he is, we are enjoying our time and I should keep a part of myself reserved...we all know what it’s like to give it all and be greatly disappointed. And to be real with you, I am tired of being disappointed, hence why I have not allowed myself to date since my last partner a year ago. But you can be let down if you don’t let them lift you up...right?

A Poem in Passing.

Yesterday, I went to a cafe to work, as usual. I wrote and reflected on how I want to be seen, how I want to be heard, what I have to offer. I was deep in my head but I did happen to notice a man nearby. He had smooth hazelnut skin, his hair piled atop his head in thick, knotted dreadlocks. He had rings on his fingers and gold in his ears. He caught me, even just from the periphery. I melted a little and then gathered myself. 

“No, Eve!” I muttered to myself. “You have NO time to have a crush, to busy to waste your energy on men...unless of course they are paying me well.”

 So, I return. I return to my thoughts, my goals, my planning. And I did a good job at keeping my focus because not once after that did I notice he was there, in fact as I was leaving I completely forgot that I had that momentary lapse, until I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. I looked back and there he was. Smiling so sweetly I could feel my pussy swell with desire beneath the touch of his hand on my shoulder. And even more impressive was he just smiled and said “I want to give this to you.” And then he walked away. 

I was left a bit shaken, by his sexy voice, his kind face, his candor, and the fact that he just left. He left me standing there with a small poem in hand and at the end of the poem he scrawled across the bottom of the paper “you are a queen.”

My Joy is not Free.

Out of the woodworks I get a Venmo for $100. It’s captioned “thinking of you!” First of all, when aren’t you thinking of me, and second of all, it’s about damn time. I swear when you stand your ground, when you cut them off, when you refuse to let them waste your time, they always come crawling back on their knees with their wallets open. 

I didn’t thank him, because quite frankly this should have come much sooner. He should have put that money in my hands after dinner that night a couple weeks ago. But did he decide to do that? No. He chose to take my company for free (minus the dinner, but that’s standard) and leave. 

This is not his first time and we have a well established arrangement. My time is precious, my joy is not free, my smiles, they come with a price, baby. He knew that then, he knows that now. This is why he made this gesture. This is what he owes me, this is not an apology...But I know him, the apology venmo will come soon.

Get a clue

Dear Diary,

I don’t have much time to talk, the Rosewood regular is coming over and I want to be ready when he gets here. At the same time, I want to get some of my thoughts out before he arrives, this way I don’t word vomit all of my feelings onto the floor.

The thing is I feel bad. He may not realize but I know what he’s doing. He doesn’t really like me, he’s using me as a means to validate himself. Maybe he’s going through a mid-life crisis (I go through several quarter life crises myself ,so I think I recognize flamboyant self-doubt when I see it). I want to see him; I want to tell him I’m grateful for all the little gifts and trinkets.

Then I’m going to tell him to get a grip. Oh shit, here he comes!

-Until next time!

Sleep Wanted

Dear Diary,

Fuckkkk me. I don’t think I’ve been this tired in years. Luckily, I still find time to complain.

So, this job with HBO doesn’t pay that much. It’s more of a foot in the door, almost like an apprenticeship. That’s why I’m still dancing when I have free time. It’d be hard to pay my bills if I only used that as my sole source of income. With that being said, I still work hard at my day job because I know it’ll pay off in the future. But that’s translated into a sort of fatigue I haven’t felt in years.

My boss wanted me to ghost write an article for her, and I was like A) unethical and B) that isn’t my job. I did it anyway because I’m a pussy. What really pisses me off is that it took forever...so now I’m too tired to go to Rosewood. Which sucks because I’ve really started to miss the club and the friends I’ve made there.

I know I’ll get past this, but right now I’m struggling. And I hate being vulnerable...so who do I have to talk to? Besides you...

Can You Afford Me?

Dear Diary,

I did something bad.

Remember that guy from 1OAK? Well he’s married with a baby and usually I don’t care about that stuff (business is business) but now I think he’s obsessed with me. I kinda like it.

It’s bad because I know he can’t afford me. He’s really overspending and trying to prove he can take care of me. On my first day at HBO (which went great btw), there were two dozen de-thorned roses at my desk. This continued for a week. He always Venmo’s me money so I can take an Uber instead of the train...little things like that. It’s sweet but I know he can’t afford to keep doing it, tiny water droplets add up and eventually you have a bucket of water. Not everyone can afford to get wet.

God forbid he actually wins me over...maybe it was wrong to sleep with him. I shouldn’t use people as emotional support pillows.

Then again, it’s so much fun.