I’ve thought about it and the reason I’m so upset with Justin, the reason I’ve been in such a funk, is because I expect something from him. It’s like the Buddha said, “expectation is the root of all unhappiness”. Okay, I’m not sure if he actually said that but I’m pretty sure he did. Moving forward, I just won’t expect anything from him. This way, I can still contact him whenever I want without feeling disappointment.
It’s hard because it feels like no matter what I do, I’ll always have feelings for him. There’s no way to erase the time between us. If anything there are things to amplify it or multiply it in a million tiny mirrors. Every throwback photo on a friend’s page, every old screen saver, every random thing that could remind me of him does—like time is conspiring against me.
I think I need to binge all the old photos and memories I have of us. Dissect every detail and relive every emotion. My idea is, if I binge enough, I’ll get sick of us, of him, of all the time we spent together. It’s almost like aversion therapy, whenever I go near him I’ll want to vomit. That’s how aversion therapy works, right?