Some kind of Certainty.
It’s been nearly a year since I last saw him and many more months since we last spoke. Yet, I still feel an intense longing, an ineffable desire that runs very physically through my body. Sometimes, I wish this wasn’t the case. Sometimes I wish that I could just release all this passion and infatuation for him. Just see him as a person I once loved, memories I will cherish. And I still feel that way, but the memories are not only cherished, but they are also demanded. They are a part of me, they are present in my hopes for the future. It is a weird position to be in, to give up hope yet be so full of wanted possibilities. This contradiction of knowing we are not compatible in the long-term, knowing that he is too shut off to really allow this in, yet experience an overwhelming feeling of forever, the feeling of falling and opening up to a person. The feeling projecting into the future. It is irresistible. The “what-could-be’s.”
I know this is not reality, yet here I am, about to see him. I am to spend 4 days in his arms, on his bed naked, vying for his expression of love. Begging him to divulge even the smallest bit of information that would put my sore heart at ease. But he does not reveal such things. Not in any tangible way at least. In bed he will stare at me with all of his soul, he will melt with me, bring me to tears, and fill me up so I feel like I can never truly fall. He will tell me every little thing he loves about me, everything I do that drives him crazy with lust. But when we are quiet, together on the balcony of his 5th floor London apartment… he says very little, reveals only his uncertainty and his confusion at the definition of his own emotions. I never wanted to be someone to be uncertain of. And I’ve ever wanted someone with so much certainty before.