What's trust?

Where does trust come from? How is it repaired? Once it’s gone, is it lost forever? I have had many lovers, many friends. At times it seems like a ceaseless stream of betrayals, disregards, and overlooks.

At times I can’t help but to think: is it the people who are inherently untrustworthy, or is it I, calling in those to validate my experience, to assure my place in my victimization.

When is there a line drawn from my experience, to the reality of humanity.

If the choice is indeed mine, I will rebuild block by block. I will discard of the crumbled bricks and rotting mortar. I will regain strength with every set laid. I will call in warriors. I am stronger than this. I am resilient and command the respect I desire, and the life I long for.


Where do we go next?

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I’ll never stop at enough. I want more. Always more in every way. I accept my abundance graciously and open wide my arms for more. It’s never enough to stop at sufficient. I demand exceptional. It’s never enough to take what I can get and turn away forever, I command magnitude.

When you’ve come so far when you’ve seen so much, where do we go from here? Where do we go next?


Find your freedom at Die Happy Tonight.

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For me, Die Happy Tonight means one simple thing - freedom. 

DHT gives me financial freedom and independence. It affords me the opportunity to do what I want, when I want. To pursue my passions and interests. And I often do. 

DHT is a teacher. I’ve leaned to love and trust myself. I am more confident in my skin and stronger in my mind. I’ve learned to harness my power as a women. Sharing myself with those I find comfort. All that I was taught as taboo is a side of me I now embrace. 

DHT is an escape from my reality. Where I can feel good about being “bad”. I freely explore myself and others; with no judgements. I am anyone I want to be. 

Here I am my own boss. I am a Goddess. I am in charge. I am the show, soaking in the spot light and taking control. Here I tune into and satisfy myself. I become my fantasy.

It’s my hope that you too find your freedom at Die Happy Tonight. 

Eve 

A guessing game.

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It was a game that made me my money last night. The act of play is something we can all relate to. Something that is an integrated part of ourselves. We love to be read, we want to get curious and be questioned. It brings us back to our youth and imagination. A game is how I succeeded this evening.

A tall man, seemingly uninterested by the entire event and feminine fiasco, stands next to me at the bar. Patiently awaiting his gin and tonic. I introduce myself seductively. Despite not wanting to be there, or harassed by anyone in a tight sheer dress with lacy lingerie.

But he appeased me. He was not a rude person.

So I asked him where he was from… he said casually “Europe.” I’ve traveled to Europe on a number of occasions so I ask, “Where? I love Europe” he says, again very casually, “Central Europe.” “You’re going to make me guess aren’t you?” “Well, I suppose if you can, but I doubt you’ll guess.” I took a few things into consideration. He said Central Europe, his accent wasn’t so intense, but it was unique yet familiar. He was a kind and polite individual. I look at him a moment and say, “Hungary?” “Exactly!”

Now he is impressed.

I’ve caught his attention and now he is mine. We discuss Budapest in detail and I can tell he misses home. Later on, he tells me he’s from a part of the city everyone’s forgot about… “can you guess this one?”

“Staten Island, of course.”

“Correct again!”
I turn to him with greater flirtation.

“Now it’s your time to guess...how many dances am I going to give you? And how much money will you empty from your pockets tonight?”

“$100?”

“Guess again.”

“$150?”

“You’re not very good at this are you?”

“Ok, ok…$300?”

“Very good...now follow me you sweet “central European” man, let me show you some New York City fun!”


"I never play."

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“Take off your clothes” he said to me from the corner of pursed lips. I could see that he was curious how I’d respond when we finally found ourselves in this precarious situation.

Here?

Why not? It’s warm enough, early enough, quiet enough.

It was just before sunrise at prospect park. We had been roaming around Brooklyn all night. Walking from bar to bar, traversing the neighborhoods trying to find exactly where we belong.

It turns out it is nowhere, but this place will do.

I took out the perfectly twisted joint behind my ear.

Stop playing with me I say, as I spark the lighter and stoke the ember.

He grabs my wrist. He is serious, he wants me to see that. He squeezes me then slowly rubs up my arm. Bringing me closer, he leans into my ear, “I never play.”

I inhale my spliff and breathe it into his parted mouth in defiance.

He continues to stare. Intense and playful. I pass the weed and start untying my dress. Interlaced all the way up the front, I delicately and purposefully unravel every ribbon weaved through the loops.

I drop my dress from my shoulders to the ground.

It was a quick disrobing, as I rarely wear panties and never a bra. He stood silently. Dragging his breathe as the ember of the spliff illumined bright orange.

He took a few steps in, to reach out and touch.

This is all he wants. To control when my body is exposed and when it’s hidden. To see me obeying him. To touch gently at his will and to turn me down when he is sees fit.

He takes one more hit and passes it to me. He motions to my dress without a word. Then he turns away and walks over to the bench, crosses his leg and lights a cigarette awaiting my fully clothed arrival.


Thank You for Being You...

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Dear models,


Wow! I’m really blown away by the stories you have shared recently with Valerie for our podcast and video series. I’ve listened to and watched all of them. I’m super impressed. A massive applause to all of you for making these creative projects a success.

Your stories are inspiring, insightful, and almost had me in tears from laughter. Your stories have given an authentic and human voice to our events...and this industry as a whole. 

We have received a tremendous amount of positive feedback from both our male and female audience. Within a week of launching our podcast we have had 80+ comments on iTunes. Needless to say, the stories you’ve shared are creating a buzz. 


I’m so honored to have you a part of the Die Happy Tonight community. It’s real pleasure to work with such strong women. Thank you for being you...and sharing your positive energy with so many.

Sincerely,

DHT’s Founder 

The first time I danced, I was so nervous...

Ally is a 25 year-old from NYC and attends a private lap dance party in New York City. Her first experience dancing, she was nervous until she got the hang of it. She attends Die Happy Tonight’s private lapdance party to support herself. If you'd like to meet Ally at our next event, text our concierge #420 - a member-only service.

………

"Eve's Drop" is a video and podcast series featuring real stories from the women who frequent Die Happy Tonight, the most liberating lap dance party on Earth and the the creators of Rosewood, a private gentleman's club in New York City. For more videos, click here. For podcast, click here.

Until Tomorrow

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There is a point in which I become unaware of my own bright and flammable attitude. There is a time in the evening when I cease to absorb any longer and just spill whatever internal mess I need to make. When it happens at work, it both confuses and amuses the clients. My general sweet and docile demeanor becomes wild and irrational. It comes all to quick when I’ve given so much of myself for so little. It comes when I’ve moved too quickly and have yet to take a moment to ask myself what is it I am seeking from this evening? My flames are nothing to be subtle about. They are massive waves that engulf those undeserving, fearful or rotten. I do not settle, I do not pacify. I am the one to bow to, to kiss my boot and worship my body. Until tomorrow when the doe-eyed angel returns.

Fierce and unapologetic.

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Sometimes I can’t help but to feel bad for the imbecilic individuals that wish upon my company. I am a very kind and generous person, but I command a high level of respect. A quality of the ineffable, it seeps within me. Sometimes I cannot pretend. I cannot pretend that every last one of these men haven’t pissed me off, looked low upon me, or crossed some boundary. I cannot pretend like my needs are not valid. When these times come I arise. Fierce and unapologetic. They have no chance of withstanding my fire. In times like these I walk out, walk away, and fall into my own bed. With no one touching me but myself. - Eve


A maddening cycle.

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How they want you to deal with them 101.

  • Smile.

Always smile, never let them see your truth, your sadness, your concern

  • Touch sweetly, touch often, back off.

Affection escalates your desirability. Touch when you are able to, touch as much as you can. Wade through a series of “do not linger, do not cling to my arm, do not be too needy.”

  • Get ahold of yourself.

  • Give them what they want, do not ask, do not deny.

They will let you know when the time is right. Although it is your job, your profession, it is them who are the experts. Listen and trust. They always give you what you deserve, and remember please, “don’t make this about money, baby”

  • Give them more of what they want, when they want. You’ll thank them.

  • Take what you can get, leave them alone. Repeat

Fill my pockets.

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“Fill my pockets,” I told my boo. We’ve been involved for a long time and I need him to know exactly how I feel, exactly how I want it. He reaches for his wallet and opens it to show me. The first thing I see is a small wallet photo of my face. One of my first and only gifts to him for being such a generous man. This way he can open his wallet and know exactly who it belongs to. The next thing that caught my eye were the crisp bills lined up. Each printed with the number 100. Each sticking to each other as their new skin sheds, obscuring the true count. But all I needed to know, was that all of that was all mine.

I smiled at him, softly cup his face and told him how much he makes me smile. I kissed him on his lips as he tucked the stack into my waistband. Patting my ass, he turns away to order another martini for his well-paid princess.


We could have been.

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It seemed like so much. It seemed like all I could want.

We gave each other the grand illusion of futures, of predictions and security. We gave each other our word. Which, is nothing more than a noise escaping the throat. We told each other fairy tales. Of a ‘one day’ and ‘always will be’s.’ We filled our dreams with unfulfilled fortune.

Then we turned off the lights. The stories still remained but the colors seemed to fade. The images still played behind my lids, but I couldn’t hear his voice any longer.

It was the poison we released. A toxin of a ‘what could be’ that crippled the present and our perceptions.

Dreams are a beautiful thing if one dreams alone at night.


10 Commandments.

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10 things you always do/give to a woman.

Patience

Adoration

Your face between her legs

Your cock as soft or hard as she likes

A kiss before you part (no it doesn’t mean we are committed...just that you’re a decent relational human)

An up to date STI status

As many sweets and treats as she wants

Clear and direct communication

Open and conscious listening

ZERO bullshit, time wasters, fear, or ego.


Dripping

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So.

 

I grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him. It felt right, there was none of that awkward teeth smashing or weird feeling in the back of my throat because he didn’t try to suffocate me with his tongue. I asked him if he wanted to climb in the back with me, he said we should find a place to park before cars start honking at us for holding up traffic in front of a stop light.

 

While looking for a place that was just the right level of abandoned, he fingered me and even though he kept his rings on it didn’t hurt one bit. I guess I was already wet by then. He was already hard. I tried to suck his cock, but I couldn’t get the clasp on his belt to come off since my acrylics were an inch long. To compensate I grabbed at him and rubbed him up and down—I asked if I was being too rough and he said, No.

 

Eventually we do find a place to park, on the side of the highway. The sky was beginning to turn purple, but we still climbed in the back seat. Here’s the thing, I know jack shit about cars, but I do know the fancy ones with barely any seats in the back are not good to fuck in. I could barely straddle him without bumping my head. But I did manage to get his cock out of his pants. Low and behold it was pretty huge, not bigger than Johnny’s but in that ballpark. I think it’s about the same size with a different shape.

 

He fucked me by turning me around and having me bounce up and down on his lap. I wanted to see his face before I came so I got off of him, and put him in my mouth instead. He started fingering me and we almost came at the same time. Almost. He came first, but he promised to make it up to me next time.

 

I guess we’ll see about that.

 

-Eve

Cardinal Sin

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Dear Diary,

 

My last day of Coachella was...eventful.

 

We fucked, in the back of his car and again on the way to the airport.

 

The first time it just sort of happened. We were on our way to In and Out and he took the scenic route. The road passed the desert and I could smell sweaty concert goers and hear the music from my seat in his car—now I see why people love California. He started talking about how he wasn’t looking forward to returning to New York and he wished he could stay here, near Coachella, with me. That’s bullshit and I called him on it.

 

“You only want to stay here because you’re on vacation. You don’t want to deal with your problems back home and that has nothing to do with me.”

 

Then he rolled his eyes and said, “Like you’re any different? If I’m running away then what are you doing here? Scratch that, what are you doing with your life in general?  You can’t make a living out of being hot forever.”

 

I wanted to say, why can’t I, but I decided to be serious instead.

 

“At least I know that I’m running. You delude yourself. Lie to me all you want but it’s a cardinal sin to lie to yourself.”

 

He laughed and said, “See that’s what I like about you. I like the way you phrase things.” And just like that I wasn’t angry anymore and neither was he.

 

“Maybe we both wish things were different, or that we were here with other people. But that doesn’t change the fact that in 27 hours we’ll be on a plane, riding right back to our problems.”

 

“What makes your guy so worth it?”

 

“He has a massive penis.”

 

He laughed and turned to look at me, “I bet mine is bigger.”

...

 

I decided to test his theory.

 

-Eve

New Money

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Dear Diary,

 

Coachella was fun. Me and Karl ended up ditching his friends on the first night. Turns out he had VIP status and they didn’t, they were just along for the ride. I finally got around to asking him what he does for a living.

 

“It’s like Refinery29 but for weed”, he said, “I sold the company a few years ago but I’m still acting CEO.”

 

“So, you’re a start-up bro,” I summarized.

 

He smiled and I can see why his girlfriend doesn’t want to let him go. In addition to being 6’4” with wavy chestnut hair and piercing blue eyes, he has great teeth. Like, seriously, he has a nice smile. He told me he had to get braces when he was little. I told him he should thank his dentist.

 

Anyway, since he had VIP status that means we got to upgrade to a villa and leave his friends in the tent. One of the rappers he manages (oh, did I forget to mention he’s moving into the music industry to manage artist) has a huge social media following so Raw Papers gave him his own villa and all he had to do was make a post about using their rolling papers. Crazy right? I don’t follow him myself—his real name is Travis, but his stage name is lil Molly or something stupid like that.

 

Also, it seems like he keeps an apartment in New York and LA (new money indeed). Still, I’m not losing my mind just yet. Number 1—we haven’t had sex and I’m sure he’s expecting it (even though he’s been respectful since we got here). Number 2—he seems like the type to jump from relationship to relationship and that is not the energy I need right now.

 

I’ll let you know if anything changes after we fuck.

 

TTFN,

Eve

Secret Savage

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Dear Diary,

 

I met someone yesterday. His name is Karl and he has a girlfriend. That’s okay because—technically—I have a boyfriend. We could wait until we’ve both broken up with our significant others, but where’s the fun in that?

 

I hate to be a savage but...just kidding! I love being heartless, it beats getting your heart broken by a mile. Besides, he said she and him were almost done anyway. At this point it’s almost a technicality, they have a few more months on their lease, then they’re going their separate ways. I didn’t give him as many details about Johnny, I mean why should I? He doesn’t need to know. And it’s nice having a secret.

 

I think I earned a shopping spree. Some new babbles would brighten up my work desk, and the trip would shake out some of the cob webs that have been plaguing my writing. Who knows? Maybe after my shopping trip I’ll be able to write about something besides the love/hate relationship I have with the men in my life. A friend of mine just completed an artist’s residency in Hong Kong, maybe I should do that?

 

In any case, I should start packing for Coachella. Karl wants to take me with him, he and his friends have a VIP tent with space for one more. I think he’s new money, this could be fun.

 

-Eve

My next mistake

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Dear Diary,

 

At some point, you have to move on. You have to get up and live life because the alternative is death, and no one wants that. Not yet.

 

Like all of my friends and my therapist said: I’m only 23. There’s no reason to settle down or find a soul mate right now. I’m at the age where I need to focus on who I am, not who I am when I’m in a relationship. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.

 

I should probably stay home and do some writing tonight. Heal my soul and not talk to my not-boyfriend who still hasn’t moved out of my apartment yet. But I’m not doing that, tonight I’m going on the prowl. I need to find someone to fill me up, I need to feed off the emotions of someone who wants me bad enough to risk losing it all. Tonight, I’m going on a hunt, I’m looking for my next mistake.

Almost is never enough

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Dear Diary,

 

This is so weird, I’m in such an odd place right now I can’t put a name to what I’m feeling.

 

I guess that’s what writing is for right? So we can describe how we feel.

 

I think me and Johnny aren’t together anymore. And that’s such an odd thing to say, or write. For so long, it’s felt like that was all I wanted.  I think I let his presence validate me. When he was around and loving me I wasn’t just some girl, I was his girl. I was someone who was worthy to be loved. Who am I now?

 

I hate writing this because I know I sound over dramatic but...it hurts so much. Even though I know there are far worse things going on in the world right now than my trivial little heart break, it still feels like my world is closing in and I’ll never feel right again.

 

When we got home from that party we talked. He apologized for being distant, then he said, “I don’t know if I can give you what you want right now.”

 

I didn’t say anything.

 

Then he said, “I also don’t want to keep coming in and out of your life.”

 

Again, I didn’t say anything.

 

He tried again, “Eve I really don’t want to break your heart.”

 

So I whispered, “It’s too late” before I started to cry.